It's been a while but this new revelation makes so much sense to me I have to share it!

The back story of today's "aha" moment is uneventful but pertinent. I am not depressed and haven't been for quite a while. I am still on Welbutrin and Celexa. I take Celexa every other day.  It is a very successful combination for me. I am pretty much myself (this is aside from Fibro).  So I have been working on tapering off Celexa because of weight. I have been very unsuccessful in losing weight due to Celexa. And when you feel  good it's hard to stay on meds right?

Going from everyday to every other with Celexa worked well. I've tried to go to every third day but on the 3rd day, without fail, like clockwork, the "bitch switch" has been turned to the "on" position.  If anger is not part of your depression cocktail it is hard to understand. But the chemical and area in my brain that the Celexa regulates for me is anger. I find it incredible that anger is not always circumstantial. When sharing with a friend about the 3rd day "switch" she said "isn't that normal? I get frustrated and upset with my kids sometimes too. We all do." So I tried to explain the obvious signs in my situation - the third day, the anger, etc. Many people have no idea that depression doesn't always mean you are sad or crying. It is  not a good name for mental illness. It is just as misleading as ADHD. One need not be hyper and bouncing off the walls to have ADHD.

So here comes the good part for me.  I was at a Dr.s appt. for a prescription renewal. I told him I had tried tapering Celexa, again, (I've tried this before). He asked how every 3 days was going for me. I told him about the anger on the third day. He recommended going back to every other because that was working for me. So I told him about the books I've read about reversing depression by  a step by step process and the people that have overcome depression without medication by Crying out to God and struggling through and rising above. I told him that I felt like I had failed because I hadn't managed to reverse depression.

Is that reasonable? No. But it is how I felt. The doctor told me if I had high blood pressure he would prescribe medication and a healthier life style. Mental illness is no different. Are there aspects that are spiritual or circumstantial? Yes of course. Are there miracles and healing and recovering for those with mental illness. Yes. Can you change the chemicals by how you think, what you think etc. Absolutely! It is the renewing of the mind and forging  new neural pathways by being aware of my thoughts so I can take them captive that has brought me to the place I am today.  Medication and CBT alone were not enough.

What he said next was what hit me like wave of clarity.  I can't quote him word for word but it was something like this: The feeling that we have failed perpetuates the feeling of rejection and guilt, which are all part of what brings the darkness to depression to begin with.  Guess what? Feelings of rejection have been hanging over me for at least 2 years! The words he spoke were such a "God moment" for me. i didn't tell him I felt rejection. He simply responded to my statement of feeling like I had failed.

Rejection was a struggle for me EVERY DAY. Was it all perception because of  the feelings of failure?Probably not. But that particular  struggle was out of character for me. Although between depression and fibro my self confidence has taken a nose-dive, i do know my value is in Christ, Not what I do, don't do, accomplish or fail at, or what others think.

I know where it started and it was when I put value in another persons judgement of my heart.  I allowed my failure to live up to what someone thought I should be doing, saying or believing to become my truth, my belief system. Was the judgement meant in a hurtful way? I don't think so.  And by allowing that judgement to have power in my life, it means I have let it have power over me. I cannot blame someone else for what I give power to. 

I have been trying to figure this out for a long time.  I couldn't understand why i had such a hard time overcoming the feeling of rejection. Even if in some cases it wasn't just perception, i didn't want that to define or rule my life. You know the verse seek and ye shall find.... It works. Like I said, with all the knowledge I had about God's grace and mercy and unconditional love, and living in all of the above, I was insecure. And who wants to broadcast that!!  Now I know that whether or not I have been rejected, it can be the sense that I have failed in doing, saying or thinking what I or someone else believes I should, that can perpetuate those feelings of rejection.

This may not make sense to anybody else.  My hope and prayer is that something that I write about will resonate with someone and be a help or encouragement.

We cannot allow circumstances, illness, perceptions, judgements, labels etc. to define us and become a stronghold in our thoughts, hearts and minds.  I have faith and believe that by His stripes I am healed. I know that I am the righteousness of God in Christ. And I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I know that He holds me in his right hand. My body may tell a different story. The fact may be that I have an illness, but the truth is that by His stripes I am healed. 

You are loved, wanted and cherished.

Another one????

Okay, reaching out in a fibromyalgia related question - anyone else with fibro get rashes out of the blue? Chest,neck, a few on the face and back. Not the sensitivity to temperature rash. It's like pimples but just red and itchy. It's similar to a rash from say a detergent allergy. I changed detergents, cut out caffeine, and cinnamon (tested allergic to those years ago). Even hair products! It seems like it is going away and then it flares up again with a vengeance. Any anecdotes? Tried polysporin for rash itch but doesn't relieve it for long.

Christmas is almost here again! I love this season! It's not always great for people that are feeling depressed or have depression or a sickness or disease. The added stress can take out even the most physically and mentally healthy people.  So do what ya gotta do to minimize or eliminate the stress.

We all feel some kind of obligation or pressure to spend, give, dress up, shop, entertain, attend events. But you have a choice to let those pressures consume you or to let your mind rest in peace and your body to rest in health. It reminds me of the verse that says God has put before us life and death, blessings and curses. He urges us to choose life!

Make Christmas enjoyable! A few tips to remember when you are making mindful decisions about where to spend your time, money, physical, mental and emotional energy:
1) make a list, or 2, or 3. What you will buy, who you will buy for, where you will go, where you will not go. 
You can say NO! Even if you can do something, doesn't mean you should.  
2) every morning ask God for strength for the day.  He has healed you already!  In the mean time, while your body is being restored (be patient),  pick and choose the important things and people to spend your time and energy on.
3) set a budget. If you can't or don't want to spend money on gifts and entertaining, or you don't have the energy to face the shopping crowd and host a party, make gifts for those that will appreciate them.  (you can find all kinds of ideas if you google it!) and invite friends over 1 at a time for coffee and quality 1 on 1 time. 
4) do something for someone else. Doesn't have to be money! You can decide to find something to compliment in everyone you meet in a day. You bless them and your are blessed in the giving.

So give yourself a break. We are often our worst critics and judges. 

And thank you for being patient while my thoughts run willy-nilly across the page.  

One of my favorite bed time verses is "I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you, Lord alone make me dwell in confident safety and trust".

I bid you all a good night and a very merry christmas.

Just when you think you know it all...

As I'm trying to watch my daughter play baseball I feel a dizzy sensation. Not the first time - I've felt it frequently in spring or fall when watching outdoor events and there is a cool or cold breeZe on my face.

Finally it clicks - I do have a skin reaction of welts and itching when my skin is exposed to cooler air. This can happen inside as well as outdoors. But I did not consider the dizziness was a symptom so I looked it up. Yup, it's
another.

I've also been experiencing severely dry mouth which I had not previously. Guess what? Yup that's a symptom too.

So although I stand in faith on the promise of healing, I am momentarily feeling like a victim: like what next; not more symptoms!

But then I remember the bazillion things I have to be thankful for and I am no longer brought low. I know I can persevere. I have the God given grace to do it. I choose not to be a victim. I choose to reach out and help someone else.

It always works. When you think you can't bear another symptom, reach out and help someone else. It doesn't have to be physical help. It can be a phone call, an email, a listening ear. It may not make the pain or symptom go away, but it will release good chemicals in your mind and body that will help and it will get your mind off of the symptoms.

Teenage Depression

Not a lot of people know this statistic - 30% of teenagers suffer from teenage depression! Seems hard to believe. The problem is most parents don't think it's possible for their seemingly normal teen to suffer from depression.

We're not talking moody or depressed over some things that are going on. Or the ups and downs of relationships and hormones. Those things are a part of life. If those things send your child into a downward spiral most often you will recognize it. I mean depression - the kind that your child may not be able to explain. There is no particular reason for it. There are things going on in their minds that don't make sense or make them think or feel like they are going "crazy".

And sometimes the teen does ask for help or mentions things they feel but as parents often do, we tell them it's just a phase, no big deal, it'll pass, there's nothing wrong.

You know how they find out it is a big deal? They end up in the hospital because their teen has been cutting, or worse, they've attempted suicide and failed or succeeded.

I'm not trying to scare anyone. I just want to make parents and teens aware of this fact. So parents while you're talking to your child ask straight forward questions. Ask them if they've ever had thoughts of suicide or tried to commit suicide. Or if they have intentionally hurt themselves. Thoughts of suicide include things like feeling or thinking they are worthless or a waste of space; feeling like the world would be a better place without them. Don't be afraid to ask and don't be afraid of their answers. Depression does not have to be a death sentence. There is a way out.

And kids, if you reach out to someone and they don't take you seriously or they brush it off, reach out to someone else. Teachers, principals, pastors, doctors, your friend's parents, the suicide hotline - these are all possible avenues to get help. Don't give up. Talk about it. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. You are loved and wanted. Someone wants to help you. And God loves you no matter what. There is nothing you can do or say or think that would make Him stop loving you.

Some people try to cope by drinking or smoking or doing drugs. You don't have to do that either. It is possible to cope and move through this without those things.

So let's not make this subject off limits. Ignorance is not always bliss. Sometimes it can be deadly.

Who Switched Off My Brain?

Yay! It's here. I received my order of the book and DVD by Dr. Caroline Leaf - Who Switched off my Brain?

This is the teaching DVD that flipped my switch!

Thinking on purpose is something that has helped me a lot in dealing with depression. The bible tells us to take our thoughts captive. In other words we decide what we think. Not every thought is our own and we don't have to think every thought that passes through our minds. Our thoughts play a huge role in our mental health!

Getting a different Dr. and getting my medication straightened out was another step up the ladder. And on the recommendation of my Dr. I went for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Over the couple of months I went for counseling I felt better and better until I felt ready to move on without it. That was an amazing day for me!

Then I found Dr. Caroline Leaf! Our church has this series as a Connect Course. There is so much information on how our brain functions and what we can do to heal our brain. But the biggest impact was a statement she made about forgiveness. Forgiveness is something I know plays a big part in our mental, physical and spiritual health. I forgave over and over again. It is not a feeling. It is a choice. However, it never occurred to me to repent of unforgiveness. Her statement was "Forgiveness starts with repentance." And, "the only way that you can break down a "bad" memory is through forgiveness and repentance."

What I came to realize in CBT was that I had a lot of anger because as far as I was concerned there was a particular responsible for my FMS and thus my depression. Even though I was sure that I forgave that person I kept blaming them.

Once I made the forgiveness/repentance connection and asked God for forgiveness for my unforgiveness, the switch flipped! It was the last step I needed to take!

I continue to watch my words and the confession of mouth as well as my thoughts. And I will forever. It is a part of a healthy mind, body and spirit.

This is not necessarily the thing that holds you back but I recommend taking this course because it will help you heal your mind!

In the mean time I encourage you to get the support you need through your church, friends, Doctor and counselor. There are a lot of scriptures you can fill your mind and heart with that are not only comforting but the truth of what you and I are in Christ.

If you are reading this because you are dealing with depression I hope you know that I really love you and God loves you more than you could ever imagine ! He wants you to live a full and healthy life!

Till the next post....

Symptoms or Side Effects?

If you've ever looked at an exhaustive list of FMS symptoms ( and believe me it has gotten longer in the 10 years I've had it) you've gotta wonder if some of the symptoms are actually side effects of medication.

Some of you might not know that anti-depressants actually help with fibro pain. Effexor is one of the major anti-depressants that has been prescribed for the pain. There are now specific medications for FMS pain. I have personally never tried any. I have benefited from this aspect of anti-depressants.

As my anti-depressant medication is lowered (because mentally I feel fabulous!) I feel more pain. Sucks but it's like the lesser of 2 evils.

Anyway, I have to say that a lot of listed symptoms I did not develop until I took certain meds. For instance, before Effexor I had never had a migraine. On Effexor they were a regular occurrence. Off of Effexor, I haven't had one since.

On Wellbutrin, I developed teeth clenching and grinding, TMJ symptoms. I never had them prior to that. I am still on Wellbutrin and am happy for it's motivational properties. But a mouth guard is now a night time regular.

Muscle twitches are also not something I experienced pre-Wellbutrin (accept for the few times I experienced Serotonin Syndrome - but that's another post).

And how does one untangle the confusion of whether or not your fatigue at any given moment is FMS related or a side effect of meds?

Those are a few of my symptom/side effect queries. Anyone else have these thoughts?

Till the next post.....

Fibro Fog

You may have had or have heard about Fibro Fog. If you deal with it, how does it affect you? There are different effects for everyone.

It can be scary at times to be unable to remember simple things or find the words you need to say. Words that are a part of daily vocabulary are simply lost. If you grasp long enough, someone will catch on and find the word for you. Saying words that are similar to what you want to say hoping you will remember the words. Speaking and the words come out all wrong but you can't concentrate to fix it. Even if you do it still comes out wrong. Performing the simple mental tasks that you do every day become almost impossible.

I know we all forget where we put our keys or don't remember if we locked the door. But this is different. Scary different. And really quite unexplainable.

But if you have had fibro fog and didn't know what it was, don't worry. It's not permanent.
It can make things difficult, but then FMS makes everything difficult.

What I don't know is what happens if you're in school or taking courses and fibro fog sets in. What do you do? If you work for someone and you can perform physically but not mentally I guess you take sick leave right? And if you're self employed what happens to your business?

I do know that surrounding yourself with friends and family that support and love you will help you deal with this aspect of fibromyalgia.

Part of the reason for not posting for a while is because fibro fog was getting in the way of being able to express myself. But one tip I do have is to make lists. Even if you are not a list person I would suggest to make that a habit. At least then you don't have to worry about forgetting to do important things. And it keeps you on track if you feel unable to do that on your own.

Until the next post.....

AAAANNNNDD - She's Back

Yes it's been a long time.

Spring break is over and things will get back to normal. What is normal? I think everybody's normal is different.

When I asked for help to name my blog I received a lot of great suggestions! I didn't use any of them simply because at the time I was starting the blog I was finally, after 40 years of being a Christian, learning to meditate on the Word of God.

That healing, fulfilling, joyful time of meditating brought me to 2 Timothy 2:1. I was studying (meditating) on hope. When I came to this verse it spoke volumes to me about where I was at. It was a poignant moment for me. It is actually a command to us: be strong in the Grace. And the only place we will find that grace is through Jesus Christ.

Back to my question of what is normal, one of the great title suggestions for this blog was "Unspoken Normalcy". I would say this is an accurate description of the life of anyone, but most certainly of those dealing with FMS and/or depression.

The limitations placed on us by these conditions are varied and plentiful. For example, my husband having to cook, get the kids off to school, grocery shop, and often single parenting of our children became our normal. Not baking, or doing yard work or not taking part in family activities became our normal. And sometimes I didn't separate FMS and depression. To do that would have taken more energy and cognitive ability than I had at the time.

Pain becomes normal. Fighting to keep from succumbing to feeling like you are going crazy becomes normal. Trying to hide how bad things are from your kids and husband and friends becomes normal. How could anybody understand? Why would she be depressed? How much pain could she be in? She doesn't look sick.

Your kids asking why you're tired, why you sleep all the time, why you don't play with them, becomes normal. After a while they just quit asking. You know why? Because it is normal.

Your kids can't have a lot of friends over because it is too overwhelming for Mom and sometimes just the sound of someone drumming their fingers on the table hurts her ears. That's normal - unspoken, but normal.

What can we do? The first thing we can do is COMMUNICATE. You don't have to share with all your acquaintances why you don't volunteer at school or church for example. But to those that care about you and love you, it is easier to share than hide.

On another note, I want to share 3 of the books that have helped me climb the mountain of depression. The first book is by Joyce Meyer - The Battlefield of The Mind. Great for everyday morning devotion. The second is the DVD or CD's of Casey Treat called Renew your Mind, Renew your Life. And the last one, the one that was a trigger to the biggest jump in recovery is the DVD series by Dr. Caroline Leaf - Who Switched off My Brain. You can also get it in book form. However I would recommend the DVD or taking a Connect Course at Springs Church in Winnipeg to better understand it. You can also take the Casey Treat course at Springs Church. In fact, Springs has a number of Connect Courses available throughout the year. They are all free and range from Grief Share to Raising your kids. You don't have to attend the church to take a course. Anyone can take them. Look them up at Springschurch.com to get a full list of courses and dates under the "Church Life" heading.

You'll notice a recurring theme in these books - the mind. We don't have to think every thought that comes into our minds. Over the past couple of years I have learned to think on purpose. I have learned that God has given us the ability to change our brains by changing our thoughts. It's not always easy. And it's not just about quoting scripture although we do need to declare the promises of God with our mouths. As stated in Dr. Caroline Leaf's book, "God gives us all of the tools and principles that we need in Philippians 4:8" And the result of using those tools is in the next verse, verse 9.

It's not just God telling us to NOT think of unpure things, from a spiritual stand point. Once you see how the brain processes a bad thought, you will realize the effect our thoughts have on the chemicals in our brain. He is giving us this tool because it effects our physical bodies as well as our spirit and soul.

Alright - that's enough for today.

Until the next post.....

new URL

In Awe....

The other day I was looking out my window at the dormant trees, the snow, and the sky. For at least the last 5 years I have felt like the dormant trees of winter. My whole life was winter! I felt numb.

I felt hopeless sometimes; felt like God was far away. I didn't feel like He cared or that anybody else cared. That, of course was all a lie. God was never far from me, which I knew deep in my heart. The experiences and relationship that I had with God prior to getting sick were real. They were what built the faith I needed to continue even when my brain and body were telling a different story.

So what is the point? The point is that after over 10 years of struggling, when I was looking out my window at the snow and sky and trees, I FELT the beauty. I didn't just see it, but I could FEEL it! I think the last time I felt beauty was 7 years ago when my daughter was born. Needless to say I was "In Awe" of the God's creation and the ability to finally feel it.

If you have felt or feel numb or hopeless, like you can't go on, I want to tell you there is HOPE. Ya, I know you've heard it before. In my lowest moment, when the only thing that went through my mind was "waste of space" - "waste of space" - "waste of space" , no one could tell me there was hope. But I have lived to tell another story. At the back of my mind I knew this wasn't God's plan for me and that a lot of people would be hurt for life if I gave up.

How do things get so bad? I had nothing to be depressed about. So besides the confusion there was massive amounts of guilt. But that is for another post.

This low spot came at a time when I was between medication changes. I needed help to get onto the bottom rung of the ladder. Changing doctors and medication were the first step up. The next was talking to my Doc about it. Then at his recommendation, I went for counseling. CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is talk therapy that helps identify where your thoughts are going wrong and how to change those patterns and behaviors.

If you find yourself in this or a similar situation please go see your doctor. If you don't have one or don't think you can wait that long, please go to your local ER. Tell a friend or family member and ask for help. Call your church or any church if you don't attend one. Don't be afraid. If you don't feel you can do these things, call a suicide help line. If you google it you will find a number for your area.

You don't have to be the one suffering from depression or thoughts of suicide to be the one to call a help line or a doctor about this. If you know someone that needs immediate help, do it for them. If they can wait to see a doctor or counselor then be there for them and support them. Support is a very valuable tool to recovery. Don't underestimate how much your support can help. Love on them. Don't judge them. Don't try to "fix" them.

My experience is related to clinical depression. I don't know much about PTSD, or Bi-polar or other sorts of mental disorders. But I do know that there is love and support out there for you. And above all, God loves you and will always be there for you.

Till the next post...

The First Time

So this is it. I never would have believed it if you had told me I would blog some day! So the question is "why now"?

There are a few reasons.First - I want to help, encourage, listen to, share with and pray for anyone who wants or needs it. I would not have said this a year ago. I was still in self-preservation mode a year ago but I have received love, support, teaching and prayers that have and still do help me on the road to recovery. I am truly blessed and I want to be a blessing!

Second - There are too many people hiding the fact that they suffer from depression or that they are on meds for it or in counseling for it because they are ashamed. It seems that a lack of knowledge has created such a stigma around the subject that there are any number of repercussions to divulging. So this blog is hopefully going to be a tool to help educate those that do not understand it and tips on dealing with it day to day and sometimes moment to moment.

And lastly - fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) is difficult to explain or understand and even more difficult to live with. Often FMS and depression are intermingled as are other conditions such as arthritis. The symptoms of FMS will often vary widely from one person to the next. If you've been diagnosed with it or know someone who has, this will be the place to talk about coping with the various symptoms.

I do not claim to have all the answers or all the facts. I am not a doctor, counselor or an expert. So what qualifies me to talk about any of the above? Life experience. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in August 2001 after "post-viral" symptoms that started with a flu in May of 2000. The depression diagnosis came in December of 2001 after about 6 months of symptoms.

In the next few posts I will share some of my experiences and the things that helped me climb this mountain. I didn't do this alone.

In the meantime, here is some info. on FMS for anyone wanting to know what it is or for anyone needing to explain it:
http://www.tipsonhealthyliving.com/health-and-wellness/how-to-talk-about-your-fibromyalgia-diagnosis-with-those-you-love (I don't know why it didn't show up as a link. Can someone tell me how to get it here as a link of copying and pasting?)

Till the next post......