It's been a while but this new revelation makes so much sense to me I have to share it!

The back story of today's "aha" moment is uneventful but pertinent. I am not depressed and haven't been for quite a while. I am still on Welbutrin and Celexa. I take Celexa every other day.  It is a very successful combination for me. I am pretty much myself (this is aside from Fibro).  So I have been working on tapering off Celexa because of weight. I have been very unsuccessful in losing weight due to Celexa. And when you feel  good it's hard to stay on meds right?

Going from everyday to every other with Celexa worked well. I've tried to go to every third day but on the 3rd day, without fail, like clockwork, the "bitch switch" has been turned to the "on" position.  If anger is not part of your depression cocktail it is hard to understand. But the chemical and area in my brain that the Celexa regulates for me is anger. I find it incredible that anger is not always circumstantial. When sharing with a friend about the 3rd day "switch" she said "isn't that normal? I get frustrated and upset with my kids sometimes too. We all do." So I tried to explain the obvious signs in my situation - the third day, the anger, etc. Many people have no idea that depression doesn't always mean you are sad or crying. It is  not a good name for mental illness. It is just as misleading as ADHD. One need not be hyper and bouncing off the walls to have ADHD.

So here comes the good part for me.  I was at a Dr.s appt. for a prescription renewal. I told him I had tried tapering Celexa, again, (I've tried this before). He asked how every 3 days was going for me. I told him about the anger on the third day. He recommended going back to every other because that was working for me. So I told him about the books I've read about reversing depression by  a step by step process and the people that have overcome depression without medication by Crying out to God and struggling through and rising above. I told him that I felt like I had failed because I hadn't managed to reverse depression.

Is that reasonable? No. But it is how I felt. The doctor told me if I had high blood pressure he would prescribe medication and a healthier life style. Mental illness is no different. Are there aspects that are spiritual or circumstantial? Yes of course. Are there miracles and healing and recovering for those with mental illness. Yes. Can you change the chemicals by how you think, what you think etc. Absolutely! It is the renewing of the mind and forging  new neural pathways by being aware of my thoughts so I can take them captive that has brought me to the place I am today.  Medication and CBT alone were not enough.

What he said next was what hit me like wave of clarity.  I can't quote him word for word but it was something like this: The feeling that we have failed perpetuates the feeling of rejection and guilt, which are all part of what brings the darkness to depression to begin with.  Guess what? Feelings of rejection have been hanging over me for at least 2 years! The words he spoke were such a "God moment" for me. i didn't tell him I felt rejection. He simply responded to my statement of feeling like I had failed.

Rejection was a struggle for me EVERY DAY. Was it all perception because of  the feelings of failure?Probably not. But that particular  struggle was out of character for me. Although between depression and fibro my self confidence has taken a nose-dive, i do know my value is in Christ, Not what I do, don't do, accomplish or fail at, or what others think.

I know where it started and it was when I put value in another persons judgement of my heart.  I allowed my failure to live up to what someone thought I should be doing, saying or believing to become my truth, my belief system. Was the judgement meant in a hurtful way? I don't think so.  And by allowing that judgement to have power in my life, it means I have let it have power over me. I cannot blame someone else for what I give power to. 

I have been trying to figure this out for a long time.  I couldn't understand why i had such a hard time overcoming the feeling of rejection. Even if in some cases it wasn't just perception, i didn't want that to define or rule my life. You know the verse seek and ye shall find.... It works. Like I said, with all the knowledge I had about God's grace and mercy and unconditional love, and living in all of the above, I was insecure. And who wants to broadcast that!!  Now I know that whether or not I have been rejected, it can be the sense that I have failed in doing, saying or thinking what I or someone else believes I should, that can perpetuate those feelings of rejection.

This may not make sense to anybody else.  My hope and prayer is that something that I write about will resonate with someone and be a help or encouragement.

We cannot allow circumstances, illness, perceptions, judgements, labels etc. to define us and become a stronghold in our thoughts, hearts and minds.  I have faith and believe that by His stripes I am healed. I know that I am the righteousness of God in Christ. And I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I know that He holds me in his right hand. My body may tell a different story. The fact may be that I have an illness, but the truth is that by His stripes I am healed. 

You are loved, wanted and cherished.